A little girl in New York once saw a piece of poop on the sidewalk. She stared at that thing for a good ten minutes, making sure to shorten her blinks to once every seven seconds instead of the standard three. My advice to her would be to never come to Mongolia because if shit amazes her that much, her eyes won’t leave the ground.

Being covered in an inch of dirt is the most liberating feeling there is, in the right setting.

Let everyone know before you visit the three-walled outhouse.

Many people in cities are stressed and this can lead to poor health and weight gain. Luckily for them, I’ve come up with the perfect solution and a successful business model – sell meditation CDs of goats munching lettuce.

Mongolian horses like to fart, but they typically wait to do so until I’m riding right behind them.

A deflated soccer ball is the same as a new soccer ball with the right attitude.

When faced with the occasion of your ger family acquiring a new motorcycle, there will be a celebration and only a fool would not partake. Finish the food given to you and drink all of the Chinngis vodka shots offered. You will become warmer and happier than you could ever imagine, and as it turns out, you’ll speak better Russian.

If you’re going to be disgusting like me and avoid changing your pants for four days despite rolling around in dirt and horse shit, take the time to check for fleas and other critters that may be lurking around and using your pants as a condo.

I previously found out that 9-year olds are the same everywhere. So are 4-year olds.

When in doubt, look around.