Today is an important day. Not only did Castro become president of Cuba on this day in 1976, Enron filed for bankruptcy ten years ago today, Napoleon III became emperor of France on December 2nd, 1852, it’s also that slut-bag Britney Spears’ birthday, but more importantly of all IT IS MY BROTHER’S BIRTHDAY. December 2nd, 1998 was a mind-boggling day. Not because he was born. Because it was the day I realized that I am no longer the center of the universe. A happy exchange, I think – that mentality for him. My life has been exponentially more awesome, and if not more awesome, definitely more eventful purely due to his existence [insert story about the time he had to get stitches after crafting a device designed to shoot pens at me]. And for the record, people say I look like him. NO. He looks like me. I came first.
He is 13 today! A milestone in itself. What can you first do when you’re 13? You can sign up for facebook and other sites legally, with the caveat that they are not adult sites. You can go into PG-13 movies, with the caveat that you have enough money to spend on $6 popcorn. YOU CAN ORDER DOMINO’S ONLINE WITH NO CAVEATS. Congratulations, Johnny, you can now order and track as Herman registers your order, makes your pizza, bakes your pizza, does a quality check (ha), and then sends it out for delivery. The world is a beautiful place, and now so much is open to you.
So, happy birthday Little Brother! I love you like a fat kid loves cake.
Ps: I hope you get my letter in the mail. You won’t get it today simply because it’s sitting on my desk. When you do receive it, open it with vigor. Hint: it’s monopoly money minus the monopoly part.