“Have a good time. Don’t communicate or stand next to boys.”

* * *

When I decline tea: “Americans. So uncivilized.”

* * *

After failing to answer a simple addition problem: “I’m a philosopher, not a mathematician! Let’s drink.”

* * *

Mikhail: “What did you do last night?”

Me: “I went clubbing with a few friends.”

Mikhail: “What’s clubbing?”

Me: “Dancing.”

Mikhail: “Oh! What did you dance? Tango? Foxtrot? Waltz?”

Me: “. . .”

* * *

Mikhail: “Do you want seconds?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Mikhail: “I’m going to call your mother!!”

* * *

While I’m eating, Mikhail is on the phone with Larisa (his wife): “Larisa asks how is the food.”

Me: “Delicious!”

Mikhail to Larisa (smiling deviously): “She says it’s disgusting.”

* * *

Mikhail: “What would I have to do to get you to eat this pancake?”

Me: “There is no way I’m eating that pancake.”

Mikhail: “No pancakes?! You’re the weirdest American I’ve ever known!”

Me: “I’m the only American you’ve ever known!

* * *

“You take such quick showers! Are you sure you’re female?”

* * *

Mikhail: “Tonight, we drink in honor of my mother. Dead for 33 years.”

Me: “Okay. Thanks for including me.”

Mikhail: “Nonsense! I want to see how well Americans hold their liquor.”